1. 英语幽默小笑话
little robert asked his mother for tow cents.”what did you do with the money i gave you yesterday?” “i gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered. “you’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”here are tow cents more.but why are you so interested in the old woman?” “she is the one who sells the candy.” 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。
“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”
8)ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”what happened?” “a kid bit me,”replied ivan. “would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother. “i’d know him any where,”said ivan.”i have his ear in my pocket.” 他的耳朵在我的衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口。”
伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。” 9)teacher: here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. now who can tell us which is which? student: i cannot point out but i know the answer. teacher: please tell us. student: the swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。
谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
2. 英语幽默笑话超短
英语幽默笑话如下：
1.before the final examination, tom told his mother, “mom, i had a dream last night that i’d passed today’s exam.””don’t trust dreams, dear. it is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite.” mother replied.”then i do hope i’ll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight,” tom said.
在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。
2.big hands
teacher: if i had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would i have?
tudent: big hands.
大手
老师：如果我左手上有7个桔子，右手上有8个桔子。那么我有什么？
学生：大手。
3.teacher: if i cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do i get?tommy: quarters.teacher: and then if i cut it twice again?tommy: hamburger.
老师：如果我把一块牛排切成两半的两半，我能得到几块儿？汤米：四块。老师：那我要是再切两次，我能得到什么呢？汤米：汉堡。
4.
on the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. the smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.
在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说，她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿，那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。
5.correct
teacher: jimmy, what are the three words which pupils use most often at school?
jimmy: i don’t know。
teacher: correct.
很对
教师：吉米，学生在学校里经常用的三个字是什么？
吉米：不知道……
老师：很对。
3. 关于英语的小笑话 短一点
he won tommy: how is your little brother, johnny? johnny: he is ill in bed. he hurt himself. tommy: that’s too bad. how did that happen? johnny: we played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。
他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
i have his ear in my pocket ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, “what happened?” “a kid bit me,” replied ivan. “would you recognize him if you saw him again?” asked his mother. “i’d know him any where,” said ivan. “i have his ear in my pocket.” 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。
“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” a good boy little robert asked his mother for two cents. “what did you do with the money i gave you yesterday?” “i gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered. “you’re a good boy,” said the mother proudly. “here are two cents more. but why are you so interested in the old woman?” “she is the one who sells the candy.” 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。
“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”
drunk one day, a father and his little son were going home. at this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. now, he asked, “what’s the meaning of the word ‘drunk’, dad?” “well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen. if i regard the two policemen as four then i am drunk.” “but, dad,” the boy said, ” there’s only one policeman！” 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。
他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。”
“可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” hospitality the hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. the little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest’s plate. the visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “you must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. where did you find the cheese?” “in the rat-trap, sir,” replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。
过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。
你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
4. 简短的英语小笑话
a good boy little robert asked his mother for two cents. “what did you do with the money i gave you yesterday?” “i gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered. “you’re a good boy,” said the mother proudly. “here are two cents more. but why are you so interested in the old woman?” “she is the one who sells the candy.” 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。
“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”
a german robber was taken to the court. judge:can you speak english? robber:a little. judge:what can you speak? robber:give me all your money？ 一个德国抢劫犯被带到法庭。 法官：你会讲英语吗？ 抢劫犯：会一点儿。
法官：你会讲什么？ 抢劫犯：把你的钱统统交出来！ much worse 那就更糟了 policeman: why didn’t you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? man: if i had opened my mouth, they’d have found my four gold teeth. that would be much worse. 警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？ 男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
two birls teacher: here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. now who can tell us which is which? student: i cannot point out but i know the answer. teacher: please tell us. student: the swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
5. 英语小笑话,简短
he won tommy: how is your little brother, johnny? johnny: he is ill in bed. he hurt himself. tommy: that’s too bad. how did that happen? johnny: we played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。
他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
i have his ear in my pocket ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, “what happened?” “a kid bit me,” replied ivan. “would you recognize him if you saw him again?” asked his mother. “i’d know him any where,” said ivan. “i have his ear in my pocket.” 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。
“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” a good boy little robert asked his mother for two cents. “what did you do with the money i gave you yesterday?” “i gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered. “you’re a good boy,” said the mother proudly. “here are two cents more. but why are you so interested in the old woman?” “she is the one who sells the candy.” 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。
“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。”
drunk one day, a father and his little son were going home. at this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. now, he asked, “what’s the meaning of the word ‘drunk’, dad?” “well, my son,” his father replied, “look, there are standing two policemen. if i regard the two policemen as four then i am drunk.” “but, dad,” the boy said, ” there’s only one policeman！” 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。
他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。”
“可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” hospitality the hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. the little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest’s plate. the visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “you must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. where did you find the cheese?” “in the rat-trap, sir,” replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。
过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。
你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 adidas 的衣服去打球， 一个老美看到就笑我说， “do you know what does it mean? it means all day i dream about sex.我整天都在想著 性， 缩写正好是 adidas） ” 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快， 联想力这么丰富时，旁边的 一个老美帮我解围， 他说， 有一个很著名的合唱团 korn， 他们的招牌歌之一就是 a.d.i.d.a.s, (all day i dream about sex)所以呢，这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔！ 下次就换你去取笑老美了.。
6. 有哪些英语小笑话
1、英语笑话（一） 老师在黑板上写了一句：time is money.并让同学们翻译。
有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。” 小明上英文课时跟老师说：may i go to the toilet？ 老师说：go ahead. 小明就坐了下来。
过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：may i go to the toilet？ 老师说：go ahead. 小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？ 小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！ 2、英语笑话（二） 某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：i am hong tao liu，外宾曰：我tm还是方片七呢！ 3、英语笑话（三） 江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。
外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道：”miss jiang， you are very beautiful.” 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。 翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文：”where？ where？” 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底：”everywhere， everywhere.” 翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”
江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文：”you are not allowed to see， you are not allowed to see.” 4、英语笑话（四） 话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。
a神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。a高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「i am后羿！」 b神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「i am丘比特！」 轮到c了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。
就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「i。i。
i。am。
sorry。」 5、英语笑话（五） 某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。
一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：i am sorry. 老外应道：i am sorry too. 某人听后又道：i am sorry three. 老外不解，问：what are you sorry for？ 某人无奈，道：i am sorry five. 6、英语笑话（六） 一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh,toyota!made in japan！ it is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh,nissan!made in japan！ it is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh,honda!made in japan！ it is very fast！” 后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“how much？”出租车司机说：“1000！” 日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh,mileometer（计 程表）！made in japan！ it is very fast！” 7、英语笑话（七） 传说克林顿和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞错了，把克林顿送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地狱。发现错误后上帝马上改了回来，路上二人相遇。
精彩继续教皇：感谢上帝，我终于能见到圣母玛利亚了（virgin maria）. 克林顿（坏笑中）：sorry,it”s too late. 8、英语笑话（八） 小强去看电影，到了电影售票处，发现一个老外和售票小姐连说带比得好半天，就自告奋勇的上前做翻译，售票小姐说：麻烦你告诉她，现在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要看要站着看。 小强转头就对老外说：no sit see， stand see. if see stand see. 老外回答说：sorry i don’t understand your english. 小强就对售票小姐说：哦，他说他不懂英文。
. 踩了一个老外的脚，为了显示咱国家是有名的礼仪之邦，就先sorry啦，老外更是礼貌有加，就来个sorry too. two??the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中国人还不是得礼尚往来？！~那就i am sorry three~ 这下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry for？ 晕，还有完没完啊，还four？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，iam sorry five~(who怕 who？！~) 9、英语笑话（九） 我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外：“hello，你妈是猴儿。”老外用纯正的天津话说：“你妈是大猩猩！” 10、英语笑话（十） “are we poisonous？” the young snake asked his mother. ”yes， dear，” she replied - ”why do you ask？” ”cause i’ve just bitten my tongue！ ” “我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”。
7. 急求一个简短英语小笑话
英语笑话（一） q: what’s the difference between a monkey and a flea? a: a monkey can have fleas, but a flea can’t have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。
但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ q: how can you most irritate a farmer? a: by treading on his corn？ 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。
corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 q: which is the strongest creature in the world? a: the snail. it carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。
你说呢？ q: what do people do in a clock factory? a: they make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 q: how do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? a: keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。
虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话（二） he is really somebody — my uncle has 1000 men under him. — he is really somebody. what does he do? — a maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 — 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
— 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ — 墓地守墓人。
英语笑话（三） not long after an old chinese woman came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the states, she went to a city bank to deposit the us dollars her daughter gave her. at the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. it made the old lady out of patience. at last she could not hold any more, uttering. “trust me, sir, and trust the money. they are real us dollars. they are directly from america.” 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
英语笑话（四）my little dog can’t read mrs. brown: oh, my dear, i have lost my precious little dog! mrs. smith: but you must put an advertisement in the papers! mrs. brown: it’s no use, my little dog can’t read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人：哦， 亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！ 布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。” 英语笑话（五）bring me the winner — waiter, this lobster has only one claw. — i’m sorry, sir. it must have been in a fight. — well, bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 — 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。
— 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。 — 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
英语笑话（六）the mean man’s party. the notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “come up to 5m and ring the doorbell with your elbow. when the door open, push with your foot.” “why use my elbow and foot?” “well, gosh,” was the reply, “you’re not coming empty-hangded, are you？” 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。
门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。
天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
